Mental and emotional suffering have become the norm in today’s world. What used to be a rare disease has now become an epidemic, affecting the young, the old and even the seemingly successful. Every year we are assaulted by headlines of celebrities taking their own lives, which leaves us wondering why someone with so much success, fame and riches, could decide that life is just not worth living. One only has to pay attention to daily news to discover that all violence in society is a final result of mental and emotional suffering. We may find reasons why an adult would suffer mentally, citing bills, money woes, relationship struggles and health issues, but a new concern is growing globally as children as young as 12 years old, are beginning to attempt suicide. Teenagers involved in school violence, such as shootings, are usually prompted to do so by an inability to process and release mental stress. What, we may ask, seems to be the problem? And, is there a solution?

Allow me to share a brief version of my story. My personal experience with mental and emotional suffering, diagnosed as depression, and my unconventional triumph over it. I must have been 12 years of age when I realized that something was different about me. I did not relate to my siblings in a way that would be termed as normal for a child of that age. I had began to isolate myself, reading books late into the night and was unresponsive when questioned by my parents as to whether I was okay. Though I did not know at the time, this would be just the beginning of a long walk with the demon known as depression. By the time I was a teenager, I was skipping family get-togethers and trips. Pretty much sacrificing what would have been a great time, for isolation. I will not go into what may have caused the depression, as this is an article about solutions, but I will say that many years of therapy in my young adulthood really helped to clarify things and started me on a journey towards healing and wholeness. As an adult having mostly overcome depression, I went through a rough marriage which led to separation. It was a time riddled with anxiety, yet another foe I had to face. During this time, yoga and meditation proved to be indispensable tools for overcoming anxiety. The advice I share here comes from my own journey and personal fight with the depression and anxiety demons, which, I eventually slayed.

The advise I share here comes from a combination of material derived from the school psychology, the self-help movement, the yogic lifestyle and wisdom derived from various cultures and philosophies. These are all concepts that have worked for me. I am convinced that if applied with surety, the ideas will work for you as well.

Disclaimer: If you are suffering from severe depression and anxiety, please seek help from a health professional. Also, I am aware that there may be situations in which the below pointers may not help, for example, the loss of a loved one. In such situations, it is good to seek someone experienced in grief counseling and trust the process of healing. This article is for those struggling with daily suffering brought about my their work, family, friends, relationships and environment.

Now that we’ve got that out of the way, we are ready to begin. Here are ten ways to stop or alleviate mental and emotional suffering.

1. Make and Carve Out Time for Yourself.

We use work and other activities to distract ourselves from thinking about our depression, anxiety and emotional suffering. Spending countless hours on Netflix binge-watching shows or playing video games till the wee morning hours, shopping till we drop and scrolling on social media till our fingers grow numb. All these habits are nothing but compensation for that emptiness we may be feeling inside. The Buddhists call this the hungry ghost, and it is depicted as a face with a wide open mouth, residing in our abdominal area. They say that no matter what you feed this ghost, he will never be satisfied. Therefore we are constantly feeding it. Spending time with ourselves without distraction helps us to meditatively look within ourselves for the answers. The answers are within. During this time it is a good idea to journal your thoughts, feelings and self-discoveries.

Fear of loneliness makes it hard for us to curve alone time because we are afraid we may suffer if nobody is there for us. On the contrary, learning how to enjoy solitude is a good way to build your mental strength and to find ways to make yourself truly happy without the need for exterior stimulation.

If you are curious about how to make time for yourself, love yourself, practice meditation and journaling, check out my YouTube channel named “Lisa Kinoti” and you will find various videos there on these topics.

2. Accept Your Suffering Without Judgement.

It is absolutely fine to feel pain and to have negative thoughts. Give yourself permission to accept all your feelings. Do not judge yourself. Many times we exacerbate the situation by beating ourselves up about our negative feelings and thoughts. Accepting ourselves and showing compassion towards ourselves is the first step to healing. When we learn to not judge ourselves and to treat ourselves the way we wish others would treat us, we find that we start to believe that we deserve better and that we are worthy. In doing so, our subconscious beliefs begin to shift in our favor, paving the way to better habits and a lifestyle which is conducive to our mental health.

3. Face Your suffering.

Face your demons. Do not be afraid. The acronym F.E.A.R stands for False Evidence that Appears Real. Fear is a healthy reaction in certain situations. In the primal days, being alone meant that you had been excommunicated from your tribe and that you were in danger of being harmed by wild animals and other tribes. In today’s society, we are all in the confines of our cities and towns, away from the wild animals. Fear does not have a big part to play in our lives now, but yet it still rears its ugly head. Facing your fears, depression, anxiety and other unsightly emotions, can help you to regain your power and to begin to be proactive in your life.

4.Practice Self Inquiry

One way to practice self inquiry is to sit in silence and ask yourself questions like, “Who Am I?”, “Why am I suffering? What is causing my suffering”, “How can I stop suffering?”, “Do I have a choice to accept or not accept the suffering?”. Self inquiry is a method that has been used in the Yogic and Buddhist traditions for thousands of years. In meditation the practitioner concentrates on the sensations in the body and asks themselves the question, “Who Am I?”. This method has been made popular through the teachings of a Yogi who lived by the name of Ramana Maharshi, amongst others. He encourages to question yourself and observe your thoughts and emotions as though you were an outside witness. It is in doing so that you realize your thoughts and emotions are independent of you. You can control them just like you can control your hand. If you are curious to learn more on this topic, google self inquiry and Ramana Maharshi.

Self-inquiry is not just a yogic philosophy. It is also something indirectly used in psycho-therapy. As the patient expresses himself to the therapist, the therapist does not react nor respond. I remember getting very frustrated during my first year of therapy. I confessed to my therapist that I did not feel that he was helping me, because he was not giving me responses or advice on what to do once I went home. He smiled and was still very mysterious about how the whole process worked, but encouraged me to trust in the process. Years later I realized that in the process of me talking and him just listening, I was solving my own problems. I could hear myself saying negative things that did no make sense and there was a part of me saying, “what the hell is that thought?”. In the process I was able to observe my thoughts and determine the irrational ones, and in doing so, I came up with solutions on my own. It was then I admired and wished to have a job like his. To sit there and get paid to listen to patients as they fumble through their own thoughts in words, watching their surprise as they reach their “ahaa” moments, and all without me saying a word. I’ll take that job.

To inquire of thyself is to know thyself, and to know thyself is to heal thyself. Yeah, I just came up with that one.

5. Accept Full Responsibility for Everything In Your Life.

If you trully want to end suffering in your life, you must be willing to accept full responsibilty for the good, the bad, the joy and the suffering, in your life. This is a difficult pill to swallow. I didn’t like it myself when I first heard it. The first time I heard this idea, I was listening to a YouTube video by Leo Gura from Actualized.org. Leo is an amazing self actualization teacher and it was during my personal search for peace and self-confidence, that I ran into his videos. His work has been life changing for me. He has a very straight forward, no-nonsense way of relaying his message, so needless to say, hearing this from him was not fun. I struggled with this reality for a while. How can I be responsible for the things, people and circumstances that caused my depression and anxiety? I was disturbed by this concept for a while. Digging further, I realized that taking full responsibility for everything in our lives, is a step towards freedom. It takes the power away from other people and allows us to be proactive by doing things that are better for us. Realizing that you may not have control over what other people do or what’s going on in the actual world, but also realizing that you do have control over your own feelings, emotions, words and actions. You begin to realize that you are not a victim. You have the power to change your life and stop the suffering in your life.

Want to learn more about accepting full responsibilty for everything? Check out Leo Gura’s YouTube video titled, “Responsibility vs Blame – Why You Are 100% Responsible For Everything”.

6. Forgive Yourself and Others (Let Go Of Your Past)

Forgiving yourself is obviously very important. Many of us suffer because we are holding our past against ourselves. We repeat these stories in our heads about mistakes we made and we refuse to give ourselves a break. This causes intense suffering as it results in habitually thinking negatively about oursleves.

Forgiving others is equally as important. Many times we may feel that the person in question does not deserve our forgiveness. we may be trying ot punish the person that hurt us, by holding their tresspasses over their head. Unfortunately, in many instances, the individual you are angry at, either does not know or they downright do not care. So, we hold onto the negative thoughts and feelings, hoping that one day, our enemy will wake up and realize his errors. What we fail to realize, is that we are hurting only ourselves. Many chronic illnesses are caused by stress, and holding onto negative emotions definitely causes stress. The longer we stay in stress response, the more harm we are causing our bodies.

Webmd.com, one of the leading health and wellness sites, states that 75% to 90% of all doctor’s office visits are for stress-related ailments and complaints. They also state that distress can lead to physical symptoms including headaches, upset stomach, blood pressure elevation, chest pains and insomnia. They conclude that stress can lead to unhealthy habits like alcohol, tobacco and drug abuse, which in turn lead to even more life threatening illnesses.

I hope I have convinced you to drop the load, by forgiving yourself and others and letting go of the stories from your past. Travel lite my friend.

7. Drop All Dogma and Rigid Limiting Beliefs.

A dogmatic person or group of people may find themselves in situations that cause suffering to themselves and others. This happens when arguments arise about topics like political differences, religious beliefs and lifestyle choices. A dogmatic individual has left no room for learning or improvement. They believe that their way is the only true way and everyone else is wrong. Such a person may have difficulties getting along with others and groups of dogmatic people may exclude others and even result in violence in order to make themselves heard or to force others to believe in their path. There is no need to explain how this can cause mental stress to oneself and others. Having beliefs and belonging to a group is fine. There is nothing wrong with that. It is when these beliefs become dogmas, that the suffering begins. Watching television and hearing someone speak about something that goes contrary to your beliefs could cause you to react negatively. It can also be hard to make friends and influence others positively when people are averted by your constant arguing when a topic is brought up at a gathering. This in turn may make you feel isolated and alone, causing even more distress.

Being a good listener and accepting the world with the people in it as it is, can remove a big weight from your shoulders. You will breathe better knowing that your job is not to change the world and people around you. Your responsibility is only to yourself, and once you have adopted this, if your path is truly a good one, people will just follow. You will not have to convince them of anything.

8. Let Go of Expectation and Outcomes.

This one was a difficult one for me as well. Buddha said that the number one cause of suffering is “desire”. Why? Because when we desire something, we hang our joy or disappointment on the outcome. If someone you like calls or texts you, you feel happy. If they do not, you become disappointed. Our desires lead to expectations and our expectations lead to our reactions to the outcome. Is it wrong to desire? No. Absolutely not. It is not wrong to expect either, but we must be careful of what our desires and expectations are. Are they realistic? Remembering that we have no control over other people. Only ourselves. Therefore, it is better to be aware of our own reactions when something we expected did not happen. Gearing our desires towards healthier and attainable goals and lowering our level of expectations when in situations which are beyond our control can help us to be more accepting of reality. When we accept things as they are, we can deal better.

9. Don’t Take Yourself or Others Too Seriously.

Learn to laugh at yourself sometimes. Don’t be so hard on yourself. If you make a mistake, just laugh it off. If you trip and fall, make a joke and laugh. Laugh in the face of your enemies or adversity. Of course, we can’t laugh in every situation, but laughter is medicine. Laughter is a great way to relieve stress. During the coronavirus epidemic, I would look at everyone wearing a mask and I would make jokes and laugh in my head, telling myself that we all look like a scene from a bad movie. The virus is a situation that is out of our hands, so why stress about something that we have no control over? Instead, laugh at the empty supermarket shelves, because everyone freaked out and bought all the tissue paper. Go ahead, laugh! You will feel a whole lot better.

10. Declutter Your Life.

I am not referring to cleaning our house or bathroom, although this has been found to be stress relieving as well. What I mean here is, to do away with the things, people and situations which cause stress and suffering in your life. It could be a job that you hate, a relationship with the wrong person or even where you live. Taking control of your entire life is very important. Actively moving things around in your life can be very empowering. If you must, move to a different apartment, house, city or even country. Realizing that you are not a victim and taking baby steps can slowly begin to rebuild your life into one that you are more happy about. If you are depressed, finding a good therapist or doctor. This will help you to put things in perspective. If you are in a abusive relationship or marriage, planning to get out and actually taking the steps to get out may not be easy, but in the end you will be glad you did it.

It is true that sometimes removing these stress inducing people and situations from your life can lead to momentary loneliness, but remind yourself that you are better company for yourself and allow the space for the right people to come into your life.

If you would like more information on this topic, I have created a video on youtube and will also link it here on my blog for easier viewing. https://youtu.be/CHHc1mrsS3U

I hope this article has been helpful. Feel free to share it and to send me your views or questions on the topic. I wish you all the best on your life’s journey.

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